Called an-ex today, missed her, missed a wife not yet married. What am I trying to prove by not getting married? Am I trying to prove the notion that men can stay without a woman in their life? Why should I wear out myself by cooking, cleaning, washing and being practically alone? Why should I jerk off always instead of having good sex? Why should I have a cold pillow as a companion? Why should I always have noodles and cold food? Why should I watch TV alone? Why should I wake up alone?
What am I trying to prove? I can have anyone I want right now.
I want to have someone with whom I can talk, cuddle, share, make love, quarrel, love, tease, wake up, sleep, read, make out, eat, drink, watch TV, dance, kiss, have sex . . . right now. I love to love. I love the feeling of love, and the power of love. I want LOVE. I have love. But she is far away from me. Thus I am alone, in an unfriendly place.
There are times when the bed I sleep in, the room I stay in, the food I eat, the conversations I make; everything seems cold. Nothing seems real.
The past two weeks was such a time. Then, the one call from Dusty, the one call to Tsappy; these two calls were enough to perk my ears up, lift my sprits and make me want to live again. These two calls have given me the will to fight this domestic injustice prevailing inside me. I miss them the more, but they have given me the will to live my life as I want to, not as another person wants me to.