August 21, 2005

Change in Love

Date: 21st August, 2005.

Dear Babe,

I have just finished reading ‘Love Story’, once again. I have lost count of the number of times I have read this book.

I cried. I cried for Jenny, for Ollie, and for myself. My tears come at a price. Why do… why…? (I forget the question). Your thoughts do not come so intense in my heart and mind, as it used to happen a long time ago.  What does it indicate? Am I falling out of love? I find solace in my job, my music, my readings and my books. I do not want to lose you, but it seems the word ‘you’ has taken a different meaning. You are receding and I don’t want it to happen. I don’t want to be without you, yet I don’t seem to be with you. Am I turning nuts?

My heart pains, but I don’t know why. Maybe I miss you… maybe your love… maybe ‘love’ itself. I feel alone. Sleeping alone, dreaming about you, waking alone – this seems, but a part of my life. Maybe my destiny forbids me to be yours.

Can’t we change destiny?
Can’t we change fate?
Can’t you be ‘just-another-girl-my-mother-would-like’ or are you my sour-ex personified?

I wronged her. I want to say sorry – a genuine sorry. I wronged many. I want to say sorry – am genuinely sorry. I loved them, and maybe still do, but situations demand change – and I changed.

My heart cries for them, for you. I want to see you, to explain everything. I miss you sometimes.
I love you Babe, even though I don’t understand what I mean by it.